Chapter 1: The Loaner

The worst thing to go into a computer is water.

The worst thing to come out of a computer is smoke.

Jesse Farmer swore as he bumped the glass, then swore again as the sparks and smoke shot up from the keyboard of his laptop. The lights went out, breaker tripped, and he swore a third time as he smashed his toe against the desk in the dark.

He took a moment to calm himself before proceeding, breathing deep. Then he turned on his phone light and assessed the damage. The laptop was completely screwed - the screen had cracked and several of the keys were blackened. He unplugged it then moved to the kitchen to reset the breaker. The appliances all beeped, demanding their clocks be reset.

“Great, wonderful, perfect,” Jesse muttered to himself. “It’s 8:30, my computer is ruined, the flyer project is due in the morning…” He checked his phone. “...and the cloud upload is twenty hours old.”

“So I’m utterly fucked. Got it.” He grabbed a Red Bull from the fridge - it was going to be a long night.

He took a picture of the damage and emailed his professor. Jesse wasn’t hopeful - Doctor McKnight was a hardass, but maybe she would take pity this time.

“Yeah, and maybe I’ll get a cute girlfriend tomorrow. If I’m praying for miracles, I should aim big.”

Time to look for realistic solutions. If Jesse could somehow recover his files from the hard drive, he could pull an all-nighter in the design lab. He brought Google Maps and searched for “computer repair.” The odds of a place being open this late were microscopic but maybe…

The first entry that came up was “Dotty’s All-Night Computer Repair,” and it was only a few blocks away! “That can’t be right. There’s a vape store at that…” He shook his head - no, he could remember it clearly now, a small storefront in the strip mall. He packed up the sad remains of his laptop and got moving.

—

“Were you using this laptop in the shower?” Dotty gave him a friendly smirk, but Jesse wasn’t really listening. This woman prodding at his ruined computer was the most attractive person he’d ever seen in his life. Tall, leggy, outrageously curvy, olive skin, long black hair tied up in a bun, she had apparently been sewn into her skin tight polo shirt and khakis. Her red-rimmed glasses made her smoky eyes pop, and perfectly matched her ruby lips.

Jesse leaned against the counter, trying to hide his throbbing erection. “No ma’am, I just spilled my water,” he stammered.

She put a hand on his arm, and he shivered with pleasure. “That was a joke, Mr Farmer. Don’t worry, I’ll set you up.”

“You can fix it!?” Jesse was shocked out of his reverie for a moment, but Dotty shook her head. “No, this computer is bound for the Fields of Elysium. But I can loan you something of mine for a while. What are you studying?”

“Advertising, Ma’am. I’m trying to get into art direction - I know it’s a meme, but graphic design is my passion.”

“I like a man with passion.” Dotty stared into Jesse’s eyes for a moment, and he felt weirdly nervous - judged. Dotty nodded. “Ok, graphic design, We can work with that.” She turned to the shelving unit, and pulled a slim red laptop from a charging cradle.

“This one is a little test bed of mine - top of the line with some special upgrades of my own. It can do anything you’ll need for your projects and then some.”

Jesse opened the lid and the screen instantly snapped to life, the keyboard backlit in pink. He poked at the touchpad, started navigating the start menu. “Is this some kind of Linux machine? I don’t recognize any of the software here…”

“Something like that.” Dotty tapped on the keys, and a logo popped on screen.

GRAND DESIGN v1.0

“This is all you’ll need. If you can imagine it, Grand Design can help you create it.”

Dotty spent a minute walking Jesse through the basics. He was impressed - it really was a complete design suite, and the polish could give Adobe a run for their money. He opened up a new file and started poking around. Before long, a little cartoon cherub appeared on screen.

::Looks like you’re starting a brochure! Let’s make it the best it can be!::

“What’s this? Some kind of clippy thing? How do I disable it?” Jesse started opening menus, looking for the settings.

“No, not an assistant. Something of the opposite, in fact. Grand Design is not just a tool, it’s a trainer. Our little friend here won’t settle for sloppy work. It will challenge you, push your skills to their limits, stoke the fires of your passions.”

“That’s cool I suppose - I could probably use a kick in the ass. Is it some kind of AI thing?”

Dotty’s expression was cryptic. “Some kind of intelligence, certainly. It’s built into the core of the program - it can’t be disabled.”

“Well, as long as I can get my project done tonight…” Jesse looked forlornly at his ruined laptop. “Any chance you can recover my hard drive? I’m screwed if I can’t get my most recent files.”

“No, I’m afraid your computer is beyond help.” Dotty looked up into Jesse’s eyes, and he felt nailed to the spot, pressed. She was looking into him, not at him. “But I promise, you’ll complete everything you desire, provided you trust in your passions and your skills. Strive, Mr Farmer. Strive.”

Jesse took a long time to answer. He felt like he was coming out of a thick fog. “...What do I owe you?”

“Nothing yet. We’ll settle accounts once you’re done.”

—

::Are you still there?::

Jesse shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs. He was at his desk, staring at Grand Design on the loaner laptop. The little cherub was flitting around the screen. “I must be more tired than I thought - I don’t remember walking home.” He grabbed another Red Bull from the fridge and got to work.

Grand Design was amazingly well built software. It seemed tailor made for his workflow. By eleven, he had recreated his mock brochure for Amberfield University. It was perfectly acceptable, professional looking. It would offend no one.

“God, this is dull,” Jesse said to the room. But done was done. He went to save and close it.

::I’m sorry, but this is insufficiently creative! I can’t save it like this!::

The little cherub wagged a finger in reproach. Two buttons appeared on screen - ‘Retry’ and ‘Offer Suggestion.’

“What!? Insufficiently creative? What does that even mean? How do I cater to the taste of an AI?” Jesse hit Retry, and jazzed it up a little - chose more dynamic fonts, did some work adding a sense of depth to the text, picked stock photos with more action. It was better, he had to admit. He hit save again.

::I’m sorry, but this is insufficiently creative! I can’t save it like this!::

“Oh come on!” Jesse went at it again - he moved the pictures around, tightened up the copy, really amped up the saturation on the colors. Again, he had to admit it was better - this brochure popped, this was portfolio material.

::Ooh, so close! Let’s try something different to shake loose that creativity!::

The cursor switched to an hourglass and Jesse crushed his Red Bull can. “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

The program froze, hourglass spinning. Jesse tried several different key combinations to close Grand Design, but nothing worked. He angrily pressed down on the power button for a hard reboot - again, nothing. Then the cursor returned and the cherub started to move.

::It looks like you enjoy making sexy transformation hentai! Why don’t we use that as inspiration?::

The chair clattered to the floor as Jesse jumped back from the desk. He stared in shock as his comics flashed onto the screen. How did it know? That account was totally separate from his school account! He hadn’t logged into that account on this computer at all!

::It looks like your primary theme is “Horny co-eds.” We’ll start there! I’ll give you a prompt.::

The brochure he’d been working on all night disappeared, replaced with a blank page. The page title was “Amberfield School of the Pornographic Arts.”

Jesse spent most of an hour trying to recover his brochure, trying every trick he knew to restart Grand Design or just reboot the computer - but the damn cherub thing just sat there in its animation loop, waiting.

Finally he admitted defeat and started furiously typing.

“Amberfield is the world’s premiere center of learning for the sexual arts and sciences. Our faculty and student body are dedicated to the advancement of pornography, stripping, and other forms of sex work throughout the world.”

::Great start!:: The cherub gave him a tiny thumbs up. ::Now expand and elaborate! How about some bullet points of notable departments and faculty?::

“Just give me back my brochure!” he screamed, which prompted loud pounding from the floor above. The damn cherub just looped at Jesse, taunting. “...Fine. Whatever. Give you some bullet points, you fat angel bastard…”

• The Hawthorne School of Pornography, with bachelor, master and PhD programs in:

  • Pornographic Acting

  • Pornographic Direction

  • Erotic Literature

  • Hentai and Erotic Illustration

  • Adult Game Design

• The Wexler School of the Stripping Arts, with bachelor and master programs in:

  • Stripping

  • Pole Dancing

  • Strip Club Management

  • Strip Club Lighting and Music

• The Finch School of Prostitution, with bachelor programs and industry certification in:

  • Prostitution

  • Pre-Prostitution Law

  • Brothel Management

• The Langston-Penrose Institute of Sexual Sciences, with bachelor, master and PhD programs in:

  • Sexual Chemistry

  • Sexual Medicine

  • Sexual Mathematics

  • Sexual Physics

  • Gender Engineering

• Institute staff includes five Nobel Laureates and two Fields Medalists.
• The Institute holds over 8,500 patents on sexual technologies and medicines.

::Hey, that’s great! Creative and sexy! Let’s see how it looks in your brochure template.::

A few seconds of processing and his brochure reappeared - with all his ‘creative and sexy’ additions pasted in. It was wildly incongruous contrasted against the professional layout.

::Almost done! Now just add something about yourself!::

“I am gonna chuck this fucking laptop out the window.” He quickly added a picture of himself, with the caption ‘Jesse Fisher, Double Major - Pornographic Acting and Hentai.’

::That’s the spirit! Follow your passions! Uploading now.::

A progress bar appeared and rapidly filled, a wall of instructions whizzing by on a command prompt.

“WaitWhatNo!” Jesse pounded on the keys to stop it, to no effect.

::Job uploaded! Thank you for using Grand Design - Goodbye!::

The screen and keyboard went black. Pressing power only brought up the dead battery icon. “FUUUUUUUCK!” Jesse balled his fists in frustration - the whole night down the drain playing with this crazy computer! It was almost 2am. Defeated, he got ready for bed.

The morning alarm came far too early. Jesse stumbled out of bed, showered and made some coffee. He stuffed the stupid laptop in his bag, grabbed a breakfast bar, and walked to the bus stop.

Lost in his thoughts of academic doom, it took Jesse almost ten seconds to notice the naked girl that sat down across from him. She was cute, naked, with a sandy blonde pixie cut, naked, idly tapping at her phone, naked.

Jesse dropped his phone and stared, dumbfounded. He looked frantically around the bus, eyes darting. There were three more naked girls and two naked guys among the passengers - backpacks slung over exposed torsos, looking at their phones or reading books.

The naked girl in front of him helpfully and nakedly handed Jesse his phone, before nakedly returning to her own.

Several more naked people boarded the bus along its stops, mixed among the clothed students. A cute naked guy sat next to Jesse, dick flopping onto the seat as he fished through his bag. Jesse worked up his courage and tapped the naked guy on his naked shoulder.

“Excuse me… why are you naked? Why are all these people naked?” Jesse tried to ask the question calmly, politely, like he was asking for the time.

The guy just shrugged. “It’s a nice day.” He found the earbuds in his bag and put them in, conversation over.

Before Jesse could formulate a response, his phone buzzed.

::This is the nursing team at the Institute Student Health Center. Our records indicate that you are not up to date on your STD vaccines and birth control. Please report to the Health Center immediately for your boosters. Remember, all students of the Pornography Department are required to be up to date on vaccines and birth control to attend class.::

Then the bus turned the corner to enter campus, and he saw the welcome sign.

Amberfield School of the Pornographic Arts
Established 1896

Virtus Etiam in Libidine

“Oh fuck me,” he murmurred to the universe at large.