snap

I blink open my eyes to find your face, mere inches from mine, your eyes gazing into mine with an almost clinical curiosity.

I start, my body springing backwards away from you on the bed, the laugh of relief that it's only you getting caught in my throat as the artificial terror chokes it out.

It's you.

Knowing that the fear is artificial, that you've hypnotically installed it into my mind and body, does nothing to decrease its intensity. On the contrary; the dissonance at knowing that my heart, my soul, my intellect desire your proximity while my mind and body flood with terror at your presence only increases my distress.

My ache for closeness and intimacy does nothing to dispel the visceral rising panic at your presence, just the same as knowing that I will eventually enjoy the experience doesn't convince my body that jumping off a diving board at the pool is something it should allow me to do.

You smile.

It is malevolent. Sadistic. It does reach your eyes as you revel in the conflict bubbling in my own.

I cannot escape. You've positioned yourself between me and the door. Even if I could will my body to allow me to run by you, the precious moments I would lose opening the door would ensure my failure.

I cower on the bed, back against the wall like a trapped animal. My mind starts to sink once again. I know that if I fall back into trance I will be helpless and powerless to whatever you choose to do with me.

I know that trance is no escape from this terror.

I know that I crave your touch.

You raise one eyebrow, wordlessly observing me.

You are waiting to see whether the desire or the fear coursing through my body will win out.

Waiting to see if the fear will allow me to surrender.

It doesn't, and I know there is only one thing that will keep me from dropping back into trance. Dropping back into powerlessness and vulnerability.

You've made sure of it.

I fight the animal instinct to hide, to curl up and protect my buzzing body, and instead start shaking my tits, immediately feeling my senses become sharper, less fuzzy, as my breasts keep me afloat and alert. The fear becomes sharper, too.

It's absurd. It's humiliating.

It's terrifying, continuously threatening to become petrifying.

You simply stare, wordlessly. You don't make any pretense of not staring at my breasts, of not enjoying watching my losing battle of performing for you to maintain some semblance of autonomy.

Tears streak my face as I debase myself to dance for your entertainment, my fear of falling back into that limp, helpless state the only thing keeping me from freezing in terror.

I want that state so badly. I desire surrender. I crave your touch.

If the fear were natural, it might abate. But it's not. It's not truly fear.

It's you hijacking my very nervous system. Because it amuses you. Because you enjoy the control.

Because you can.

A sob emerges from the ongoing little whimpers escaping my body as I realize that my arms, back, and shoulders are tiring.

I redouble my efforts as you step toward me, trying to simultaneously shake my tits to keep myself up and press myself into the wall to my back.

I wouldn't have thought the terror could increase.

Breathing becomes difficult as you close the gap between us. I frantically shake my head as you reach your hand toward my face, my body instinctively avoiding your touch even while my soul craves it.

"Nononononononono..."

My body emits a keening cry as you cup my cheek with your hand, stroking gently, the paralyzing horror of your touch ending my enfeebled attempts to continue shaking my breasts. The comfort of your touch and craving for more barely registers through the fiery fear running through my veins as my body sinks and goes limp.

You kiss me on the forehead, an act of cruel gentleness from which I am unable to shrink back in my helpless state.

Unable to move. Unable to speak. Only able to feel.

And to fear.

"Awh, sweetie, what are you so scared of? It's only me. And I'm going to have so much fun having my way with you in all the ways I know you've been craving before we turn that fear off again."